Phan: Hate Me (One-Shot)
by PsyDuck Squirtle Squad
Summary: A shipping of AmazingPhil (Phil Lester) and Danisnotonfire (Dan Howell). One-shot based off of the song "Hate Me Today" by Blue October so listen to that song while reading this! Warning: Sad!


**Hate****Me**

_**Authors**____**Note**__**:**__I__do__not__own__Dan__ (__danisnotonfire__) __or__Phil__ (__amazingphil__) __and__none__of__this__happened__. __Nor__do__I__own__the__song__or__band__this__is__based__off__, __Hate__Me__by__Blue__October__. __Listen__to__that__while__you__read__this__._

**Phil****'****s****P****.****O****.****V****.**

It's been three months since I left. Three months. Though I was the one who left, I miss you more than ever. I'm sorry and I know you don't understand why I did what I did, and you may never, but I did have a reason. You probably hate me, and you should. I deserve to be hated. Especially by you.

_Hate__me__today_

_Hate__me__tomorrow_

_Hate__me__so__you__can__finally__see__what__'__s__good__for__you_

You're probably worrying for me- though I wish you wouldn't. You're probably wondering if I still need you around to keep me away from what was taking over my life, and I'm happy to tell you that I don't! Ever since I left I have been sober. I haven't drank once since then. I want to thank you for everything you've done for me, and though you always shrugged it off like it was no big deal I knew that it hurt you. That's why I had to leave.

_Hate__me__today_

_Hate__me__tomorrow_

_Hate__me__for__all__things__I__didn__'__t__do__for__you_

_Hate__me__in__ways__, __yeah__ways__hard__to__swallow_

_Hate__me__so__you__can__finally__see__what__'__s__good__for__you_

**FLASHBACK**

I walked into the living room of my boyfriend's apartment that he was gladly letting me stay in until my life was back on track, "Dan" I said sad.

Dan paused his game and looked up at me with concern in his eyes, "Yes, Phil?" he asked.

"I'm sorry" I said

He looked at me confused, "What do you-" then his eyes perked up with realization, "I thought you said you were going to stop!" he said standing up and grabbing the empty beer bottle from my hand that I was trying to hide behind my back.

"I'm sorry" I repeated looking down at my shoes, "but not only for that"

I watched as Dan's eyes read once again a different message. He went from anger, to concern and confusion and stared at me. He eventually muttered, "What do you mean?"

"I have to go. I have to leave." I said slowly. I looked at Dan trying to read what message he was trying to send me through his eyes and I noticed they were wet. Dan was crying and I grabbed his face and cupped it in my hands. He looked at me and whispered, "How can you do this to me?" I looked up at the ceiling and felt tear drops slide down my face as well and I yelled, "Make it go away!" to nothing. Dan hugged me and said, "I can make it go away I promise! Just as long as you don't go away." I pushed Dan off of me and started heading towards the door. I had already made up my mind and I wouldn't let him change it no matter how much I wanted to let him. I placed my hand on the doorknob and froze when I heard Dan mutter, "I hate you." Another tear ran down my face and I knew Dan didn't really mean what he had said, but I wish he did. I wish he hated me. I wish he hated me so that he wouldn't hurt like me. I wish he hated me so that he wouldn't go looking for me. I wish he hated me so he could get over this and move on with his life. I turned around to face Dan and spoke the last words I would speak to him again:

_"__Hate__me__today_

_Hate__me__tomorrow_

_Hate__me__for__all__things__I__didn__'__t__do__for__you_

_Hate__me__in__ways__, __yeah__ways__hard__to__swallow_

_Hate__me__so__you__can__finally__see__what__'__s__good__for__you__."_

I turned back towards the door, opened it, and never looked back. I ran down the stairs and into the street ignoring Dan's protests and apologies.

**END****OF****FLASHBACK**

Like I said I haven't touched the terrible chemical since I left. I have wanted to so many times, but I knew you wouldn't have liked it. Alcohol was my way of escaping reality, and I needed to do that now more than ever, but I didn't, for you. I tried finding other ways to escape reality, but none of them work as well. I am forever haunted by the movies playing in my head and the shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made, with no way of escape. I know you tried Dan. You really did, and you almost succeeded. You almost broke my addiction so that we could be together, or maybe you did it so that I wouldn't suffer, or maybe to make yourself feel good. Maybe you just did it because you love me. Whatever the reason after I do what I'm about to do you will really hate me, because there will be no way for the happy endings you were expecting. This is the only way to escape all the pain. I'm taking my own life. I looked over the river that I was standing over on a bridge. Just one jump and I won't feel anything ever again. Yeah. I like the sound of that. The good feelings were nice, but they weren't worth it if I had to deal with all the bad feelings as well. I took one deep breath and jumped singing out the same words that haunted me every day since I left:

_"__Hate__me__today_

_Hate__me__tomorrow_

_Hate__me__for__all__the__things__I__didn__'__t__do__for__you_

_Hate__me__in__ways_

_Yeah__ways__hard__to__swallow_

_Hate__me__so__you__can__finally__see__what__'__s__good__for__you_

_For__you_

_For__you_

_For__you__."_

I fell into the water and felt one last thing before I died. I felt the thing that I was most accustomed to-pain. The water rushed into my lungs choking me, and I hated it.


End file.
